I found a religious extremist for you to hunt down.

 

 

Maybe America should be looking inward, before trying to find them in other countries. But that's not news at all.

 

(No offence to my non-extremist religious friends. People like he give you guys a bad reputation).

 

 

Now, I'm well aware that whinging about Microsoft's latest demon-spawned brainchild is about as avante garde as making jokes about POTUS Bush's overwhelming failures. But my new Acer laptop arrived the other day (if you didn't know, they couldn't fix my old one and so replaced it instead) and I'm mostly pretty happy. Dual-core processor, 120gb hard drive, stacks of RAM, and other nice little trimmings.

 

But there's one glaring error. One huge oversight, so massively all-pervasive and insidious that I'm stumped in trying to fix it.

 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the laptop was shipped with a virus. Known to the masses as Microsoft Vista Home Premium, else known as Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.

 

The problems start almost immediately. On first startup, one is treated to the full force of Vista's overbearing graphics (Vista is the first operating system that actually lists a graphics card as necessary for smooth operations) in a charming setup screen. What is my name, which desktop wallpaper do I want, which language do I want to use; all the basics. Oh, and do I want to use Automatic Updates? Well yeah, I'm not stupid. In XP, you got four choices: download and install updates without telling me, download them but let me choose which ones I want, let me know when downloads are ready but let me choose whether or not to have them, or do nothing at all. In Vista, you get just two choices: all or nothing. My way, or the highway. One was marked with a bright green shield and a very schoolmasterly tick, the other a smaller red shield with a large cross and devil horns. Guess which was which.

 

Being subversive as I am, I chose to receive no updates at all, with the intention of changing my settings later. But no, Vista wouldn't have it. I went to the control panel later on, and found that Vista had signed me up for automatic updates depsite me specifically saying that I did not want them. Manipulative and subversive is Vista.

 

My next trouble came when I was downloading AVG, just about the most well-known free antivirus in the computer world, I'd say.

Am I sure I'd like to download it? Yes. I'm sure. Thank you, Vista.

Oh no! Someone's trying to run the program! Are you sure you'd like to allow it? Yes. I opened it. Let me have my antivirus.

Wait! WAIT! The program is trying to change settings or install things on your computer! ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT THIS POTENTIAL VIRUS OR THREAT TO BE GIVEN FREE REIGN OVER YOUR COMPUTER? Yes. Thank you. It's an antivirus program.

 

Sigh. Vista's continual need for authorisation and assurance make it seem like a dependent child, who has to have everything sanctioned by a parent. It asks if I'm sure I want to open programs in Control Panel. Oh no! A terrorist might want to change my wallpaper! Ahhh!

 

So I got sick of Vista, and decided to upgrade back to XP. I put in my installation CD.

 

There's a CD here from an unknown publisher! Do you want to let it run? Yes. It's a Microsoft Windows product, just like you. You Know What The Hell It Is. (Yeah, it really did claim it couldn't find the publsiher).

 

Then I ran into Vista's most pervasive function so far: its blocking of anything it doesn't understand. You click install Windows XP, and are confronted with This program has been blocked due to its incompatibility with Windows Vista. Would you like to check for solutions online? Well SUCKED IN: There aren't any! Hah!

 

So, for the time being I'm stuck with this stupid, tricky, manipulative, subversive operating system which, rather than doing what I want it to do, does what it assumes I want it to do. I'm not sure enough in my computer-y abilities to try dual-booting XP and Vista, or just reformatting the hard drive: computers these days are being made to deal with Vista's many exentricities, which means that they often act in ways which XP wouldn't understand. Which is sad. I hope hope hope I can eventually return to what we might grudgingly call the pinnacle of Microsoft's technical programming, or else I'm all for trying Linux.

How many toenails do you have? Somewhere between nine and eleven. I think it varies.

What's your lucky number? 8.

What's a word you're fond of? At the moment? Paragon. And travesty.

Fly or swim? Fly.

Sink or swim? Swim.

Does pineapple belong on a pizza? On Ham and Pineapple (Hawaiian), yes. Any other pizza, only if it makes it tasty and delicious.

Do you sing when you're alone? Or even not alone? Sometimes in company, rarely alone..

What's a book that's within sight right now? Moya Simmons': The Boy who would Live Forever.

What's the last colour your toenails were painted? I once had a toenail painted black..

Ever sleepwalked? Sometimes when I'm really stressed or angry when I go to bed. I've also slept with my eyes open more than once.

Are you going to the work Christmas Party? Hah. You're funny.. 

 

And last but not least;

 

Are you excited about voting tomorrow? I'm going to copy Lani's answer here: "I'm interested to see how other people vote tomorrow."

Am I being sarcastic in my Blog title? Not really, no.

 

So I took the computer back to Dick Smith's like I said I would, and the bastardly traitor of a computer loaded five times in a row, perfectly, for the customer service woman. I think she thought I was either a liar or a lunatic. Nevermind.

 

The computer continued to play along for a further six days, to the point where I actually started to trust it, and put some programs back on it. No sooner, however, had I installed Office than...

...

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH

...

..

.

Yeah. Unhappy. And it was past 5pm, so Acer support line was closed for the night. I tried again, today, and this time got on to a very helpful young man whose name started with a K, I think. Anyway, he told me to try a system restore.

 

"But", says I, "that's what the repair centre people did. It didn't work."

 

Just try it, says he. And so I do, and (of course) lose all my programs etc again. So, because I'm getting angry at this point, I don't even waste the time before putting all the programs back on it.

 

Before anyone says anything, it's not the programs causing the problem. Trust me - I've ruled that out. But hey presto, BSoD as I'm reinstalling FireFox.

 

Oh Acer!?

 

Yeah, so turns out the protocol is, if they can't fix it after three attempts, they replace it. Which is nice - I didn't even have to mention replacement; the guy told me of his own accord. And I'm perfectly happy to keep going on Old Faithful (the desktop) for a while, so it's no big deal that they're going to take away my computer Again.

 

Win-win scenario, methinks. Either they actually fix the damned thing, or I get a new computer. Yay me.

So... I've officially had the worst time ever with my computer.

 

First it broke. Wouldn't load Windwos, or when it did, it gave me the blue-followed-by-black-followed-by-blue-again screen of Death at a random and unspecified time. Sometimes when I wasn't even so much as touching the computer! This is a Bad Thing in a less than 12 month old computer.

 

So. I sent it away to get fixed (down to Flemington) and brought Old Faithful out of the closet. Lucky for me I didn't sell the old computer last year, methinks. And, just today, my laptop comes back to me.

 

First impression: Crap. The hard drive has been wiped, and it's a very, very lucky thing I backed up most of my files, because they're all gone. But that's okay. All I need do is download a few programs, re-install Office and I'll be functionally back on my feet. That's not a problem. Admittedly, AVG took way too long to download, but that's okay. It's not a problem. Oh, and I have a new keyboard? What's with that? Maybe they were being generous.

 

 

...

 

BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!

 

Yeah, so they didn't fix my computer. It's still got the same problem, only slightly more frequently than before. It kills itself at random moments. They did nothing.

 

I'm going back to Dick Smith's tomorrow to get the computer replaced. I know it's not their fault, but I'm desparate, I'm a uni student and I cannot function without a computer (with apologies to my desktop, who has been very good to me in this difficult period).

 

I feel like crap.

There is a girl wandering around town lately, who sometimes dresses as Vincent Valentine.

Good. God.

 

 

(New comic coming soon - watch this Space)